i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
