There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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