I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
