Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
