Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
