Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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