I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
