help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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