my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
