We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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