paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
