his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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