i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
