i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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