Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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