Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
