If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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