I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
did i walk over a car last night?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
