how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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