Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
