My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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