I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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