my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
