Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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