fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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