i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
