Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
