If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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