I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
