Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
