He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
