So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
