I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
