8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
