Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
