its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
