My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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