I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
