it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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