I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
