i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
