Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
