I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
