3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
