One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
