Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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