New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize