well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
