it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
