i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize