By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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