Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
