so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
