I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You can't motorboat a personality
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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