one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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