So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
