I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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