I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
then he tried to convert me to islam
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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