he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
