I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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