I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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