i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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