All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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