his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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