Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
