So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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