My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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