What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have aggressive nipples.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
