I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
