On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just found puke in my bra..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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