worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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